I want to discuss something a little more serious.
I got fired.
Most of you probably didn’t know, but I had a “part time” nanny job this past Spring. I know this was a few months back, but it's still something I think about. Oh and did I mention? I got fired from it. Of course if I wanted to make myself feel and look better, I could say that we went our separate ways or whatever. But as you’ll soon find out, I don’t like to sugar coat things.
A little background on my job.. I was hired in December to care for a baby about 12 hours a week. I was feeling the need to fill a little more of my time during the days as I traveled a lot on the weekends but found I just had a little too much spare time during the week. Then this job offer came out of nowhere and I thought everything in my life was falling into place. I was going to travel internationally with them and I would still be able to manage my photography load at the same time. Over the next couple of months, random things would come up that as a seasoned nanny, I would kind of question but would brush them off as a “everyone lives different lives” kind of thing. Random things like the fact that I would get watched 24/7 on their cameras throughout their home. Or that I would have to sit in the bedroom the entire night if the couple was home together. Things like that. But I could always brush them off because I felt like at the time I had a very open communication line with the mom and I would talk with her if anything ever came up and I felt she did the same for me as well. I ended up working a lot more than they hired me for as well as working every weekend I was in town. Then on a Tuesday night, a few months later, I got the fateful call. The “I think it’s time we go our separate ways” call. It came so suddenly without warning, like a tsunami. I was DEVASTATED.
I wasn’t devastated because it was my dream job that I got fired from but because my ego took a huge beating that night. If I had any self confidence before that, there was only a sliver of it left. I remember hanging up the phone and wondering what the heck I did that they’d FIRE me over. My brain would continue on this loop for weeks after. I wanted to scream. They must have fired me because I am the worst person ever. They must have fired me because of what I look like. They must have fired me because.. Because.. Because.. The list went on and on. I felt unworthy of anything. I felt the worst person to walk this Earth. My self worth was shattered.
I was asked a few months later why I didn’t tell my friend that I got fired and the simple honest answer is because I was so dang embarrassed. You don’t just fire someone because they were the best worker and you couldn’t live without them. You fire them because they suck at their job and that was something I just couldn’t wrap my head around. That was a pill too hard to swallow. They thought I sucked at my job. Those who I did tell right away would tell me that no, it’s definitely them. My sister had told me from the beginning that what they have me do is weird but I would just shrug it off. So the fact that I got fired from a job that I didn’t even love, from a job that had so many strange factors to it and I was still this shattered over it.. How? How did it ruin me so much? How did I let them have so much control over my emotions? How did I break so easily?
A few weeks later I found out from their friend the real reason why I got fired and it was so insignificant, I’ve basically forgotten why. I vaguely remember it being something about the trip to Sweden we were going on and how I was making it all about me.. I was so confused because it was a complete lie. We talked about the actual trip about two times. Period. And then it hit me, it really wasn’t me, it was them.
So many people had told me this. My sisters had to tell me repeatedly that it wasn’t me but I just didn’t hear them. It finally took a sliver of proof to actually feel in my heart what I already knew. I didn’t deserve to get fired. The reason it knocked me down so hard was because I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve it and it still happened. What’s that called? Oh yeah, LIFE. Crap happens. Crap happens all the time. It doesn’t matter if you deserve it or not, it’s still going to happen. You have to learn how to pick yourself back up when it does. You have to learn how to work through the pain, through the bruised ego, through the rejection. Trust me. I know how hard it is to get past the pain because I’m still healing from this last blow. I know rejection like it’s my middle name. But am I going to use this rejection as an excuse to hold me back or will I use it as a reason to push myself forward? To become a better person. To show others compassion.
The cliche saying that goes something along these lines... people will will forget what you say, but people will never forget how you made them feel.. is so insanely true. I will never forget the feeling I got from this experience because of them. I will never forget it but I will move on from it. I will heal from it but most of all, I will grow from it. I am strong. I am kind. I am compassionate. I am enough.
Lots of Love,